I have always known the importance of asking a good question. In my first career, as a newspaper reporter in the 1990s, I quickly discovered that the quality of my article was directly related to the quality of questions I asked.
As I trained to become a Certified Spiritual Companion, my current career, the importance of asking a good question became even more apparent because that’s essentially what Spiritual Companions do. We listen to a person’s story and ask questions intended to support the person in finding a way to move forward in their life.
But perhaps the most important lessons about good questions have been discovered from the trial and error of my own life. When I was discerning whether to end my marriage, for example, it became very apparent the difference that asking a good question could make.
The Power of a Pronoun
When I was considering a divorce, I began to wonder why my husband, who seemed as unhappy as I was, stayed in our relationship. I thought understanding him would help me know what to do next. For two solid weeks, I asked myself the same question: “Why does he stay?”
And you know what I discovered? Nothing. Nada. Zip. After two weeks, I was as unclear about his motivations as I had ever been and still had no idea what to do.
Exasperated and desperate, I finally asked a different question: “Why do I stay?”
Immediately, as soon as I asked that question, what popped into my brain were not only my motives for why I was staying married but also why I had married in the first place.
True, I had married because I was in love and stayed married because I had made a commitment. But shifting from “Why does he stay?” to “Why do I stay?” helped me discover the underlying, unconscious motives that had also driven my decisions. And they weren’t as simple or as obvious as love.
Although this insight about myself was painful, it shed a light on why I was stuck in my life and what I could do to make a change—and reminded me once again why the question I ask is just as important as the “answer” I receive.
Lessons Learned
Asking a good question, one that will provide insight into yourself and clarity about what actions to take, is a skill anyone can develop by keeping a few things in mind.
First, keep the focus of the question on yourself—especially if it’s a situation that you’re trying to improve. Say you have an irritating boss. You can do like I did and ask a question that you won’t ever be able to answer, like “Why is my boss so irritating?” Or, you can switch the focus from your boss to yourself with “Why do I get so irritated when my boss does X?”
What’s the difference?
The second question provides you an avenue for change because it is focused on the one thing in Life that you can change—yourself. Maybe your irritating boss reminds you of your bossy sister and that’s why you respond the way you do. Maybe your boss is a morning person and you’re not. Maybe you really hate your job and blame your boss. Insights like these can lead to informed action to improve the situation.
Second, keep the question you ask small. When I was at my lowest point in my marriage, a global, big picture question like “Why is my marriage the way it is?” would have made me feel even more desperate and overwhelmed because the answer could have been 1,000 different things. On the other hand, my specific question about myself, “Why do I stay?,” provided a much more manageable answer.
Third, as best as you can, ask your question from a place of curiosity. When I asked “Why does he stay?” for two weeks, I wasn’t curious. I was desperate. As I’ve grown in my spiritual practice, though, I am more able to seek insight and clarity from a place of curiosity.
All it takes is a little mental ventriloquism.
I simply imagine that a happy, curious child is asking the question instead of a desperate, stressed out adult. Give it a try. Hear in your mind, or even say out loud, the question “Why do I get so irritated when my boss does X?” as if it were in a child’s curious voice of wonder.
Now try it in the adult’s voice. Hear the difference? Even more important, can you feel the difference? Asking from a place of curiosity can open our hearts and minds to possibilities and insights we may shut down or resist.
You don’t have to be a reporter or a Certified Spiritual Companion to benefit from learning how to ask a good question. You just have to be willing to give it a try. After all, what do you have to lose?
As always, I have a lot of questions about your spiritual life, and I hope you share your experience in the comments below. What questions have you asked that have led to clarity, insight, or inspired action? Do you have favorite questions that you turn to in difficult situations? What question might you be avoiding?
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